Weird feelings

Sometimes when I'm out surrounded by people 

I get this feeling 

A weird feeling 

Where i just can't wait to go home, into my room, lock the door and fall flat on my bed 

And when i do fall flat on my bed 

I let out  huge sigh of relief 

But then i get this uneasy suffocating feeling 

Where i feel like my heart is dropping and stomach is flipping 

A feeling where i just want to rip my skin of and cry 

Then i sit and think to myself why do i feel this way?

My day went well 

I mean nothings wrong 

But i think again and realise nothing is right either..

Siting in front of the mirror

I Smile

And stare at myself with tears in my eyes  

While crazy thoughts rush through my head 

I then tell myself I'm just tired i need some sleep 

But when i am on bed i realise I'm not tired 

Im just feeling empty 

I tell myself time will heal 

But if that was true 

Then i would've been better by now 

After all i just want someone to be there 

For them to tell me its going to be okay 

I want someone to fix me 

Because I'm tired of trying to fix myself 

I just want to feel….happy again 

To be saved and helped 

Cared and thought about 

Is that to much to ask for?

And i laid there with tears in my eyes 

Still wishing,hoping and fighting 

That tomorrow will be better

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Looks like you've lost me

My eyes don't light up when i hear someone mention your name. 
A smile isn't plastered across my face when i see your name flashing on my phone. 
I don't look for your face in the crowd anymore, nor do i wish to see it.
I don't get heart sinking feelings when i see you do things i hate. 
The way you act or treat me doesn't bother me anymore. 
I've stopped wasting my time on waiting for you to come back to me. 
It doesn't hurt me seeing you've moved on faster than expected, because that just gave me a reason to move on to. 
You don't get to me like you used to. 

Sorry for being harsh but now, you're just a memory in the back of my mind. 

A really bad memory. 

So don't be surprised the next time you walk past me or send me a text and i don't even bother glance your way or get a response. 

Im done killing myself and fighting the same old battle that i keep loosing. 

But no in reality, I'm not the looser. You are. 

I didn't lose someone that loved me, but on the other hand you lost a person that loved you beyond her limits. 

Now you have no one to blame but yourself. 

I gave you chances everyday. I gave you chances more than you deserved. But you went and messed it up every time. 

Now i walk around with the brightest smile on my face, and laugh louder than ever before. Couldn't care less about you anymore. 

Looks like you've lost me, bro.

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A different kind of beautiful

She was beautiful. 

Not like the girls in the magazine with just beautiful looks thats would catch your attention straight away

In fact she was the type you'd have to look twice at to see her beauty. 

She was beautiful in a different and unusual way.

The way she carried herself

The way she felt and cared for others

The way she managed to wear her contagious smile at all times

Her mentality and personality 

Her honesty

How she would go out of her way to help others

How her eyes sparkled and face lit up every time she spoke about something she loved

The way she had so much ambition and motivation 

She wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks..

She was beautiful deep down to her pure white soul. 

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A new start

"Why why why" she asked herself every night before going to sleep. 

"Why do things like this happen to me? Why am i cursed with this life? Why can't i be happy like i use to be? Will i ever be happy?"

As tears streamed down her pale cheeks, she covered her face with a pillow and screamed into it as hard as possible. Screaming into her pillow always seemed to calm her down.

Putting the pillow aside, she pulled the blanket close to her face, closed her eyes and said "I wish tomorrow won't come. I don't want to face another day. I don't want to dream about having a better life when Im just cursed with sorrow."

Flat on bed in a room that was jet black, she stared up at the roof while thought after though rushed through her head. This was what she's been going through every night since a few months now.

Usually her dark nights were followed by miserable mornings, but today wasn't like that. Instead of waking up feeling fed up of "life", She woke up feeling fed up of  "allowing people to make her life miserable". 

"No" she said.."I've lived according to your will for to long. I've allowed you to push me around to much. I've allowed these thoughts to destroy me and it has done more damage than expected. But no, not anymore." 

Searching for a pen and a piece of paper, she wrote down everything that went through her dark mind each night. She wrote down the things that left her in tears, the things that made her wish for death. She wrote down every little thing that has bothered her. She poured her heart into that piece of paper. 

She then took a lighter and started to burn the papers. As the paper started to burn, she could feel all her worries inside her burn to. 

She let out a big sigh of relief and opened her curtains. A bright ray of sunlight shot through her window. She squinted her eyes as the sunlight hit her face and smiled. Yes she actually smiled, and it was a real smile. She has forgotten what it actually felt like but now that she knows, she never wanted to stop smiling. 

"It's time to start living for myself. Its time to start living the life I always wanted."

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Worst kind of sad

The worst kind of sad is when a person tries not to be sad.
When they force the sadness away by forcing a smile out to push the tears back. 
When they've got to find a reason to not be sad. 
When they try to force the disturbing thoughts away and try to be positive when really all they want to do is break down. 
When they lie saying "Yes, i've never been happier" when the truth is they've never been sadder. 



Yes i know, this is very very very short.
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We are society

We all complain about how society is ugly but ever thought about how WE ARE the people that make it ugly?

Most of us complain about how we live in a judgmental/close minded world when we make up that world. 

At the end of the day we're all hypocrites in some way

We have all judged people at some point 

We have all pretended to be something we're not 

We have all hurt one anothers feelings 

We have all done something we said well never do 

We have all spoken bad behind someones back 

We have all been close minded about something at some point

We tell people to be themselves yet most of us end up judging them

We accuse them of doing wrong when we do similar things

We don't want to be called names yet we name them 

We are the people that have created this ugly thing called society 

Each and every one of us are apart of it 

We complain without realising its our fault

But its time things change 

Its time people open their eyes and see the mess we're living in 

Just because society says something doesn't mean you should do it or follow it

Its time to be different and to stop following the trend.

They might hate you for standing out but deep down they'll only wish they had the same courage you have. 

This is abit different than what I usually write

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You don't know

You don't know how much you love a person until their gone 
You don't know how much you miss a moment until its become a memory
You don't know how much you've hurt a person until someone comes into your life and hurts you the same way

You don't realise how much they cared about you until you're surrounded by people that don't give a damn
You won't know how they felt until you've gone through the same thing 
You'll only start to miss them when their happy without you

You don't realise how much they loved you until you get someone new that cares only about themselves or their happiness. 
You don't realise how much they worried about you until you find someone that won't care if you're alive or dead. 

You won't know how much they were worth until you realise their irreplaceable   

 You'll only start to regret leaving them when you realise how much they did for you
 You'll start to wish you treated them right only when you see someone else doing a better job than you did.
You'll only miss their jealousy towards you when you get someone that doesn't care about who has your attention 

 After all they say "You don't know what you've got until its gone" 
In my opinion.. They knew what they had very well but instead of appreciating it they pushed it away.

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